The Poo Man (AKA - Why Tequila and Teenage Boys Don't Mix!)

Many years ago, when I was in my first year of university, I stayed in the university shared flat accommodation. It was a small flat that contained eight separate bedrooms...and generally life was okay. Loud, drunken and frequently unpleasant...but mostly okay.

This is one of those stories that at the time was NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I can't stress that enough. It was quite possibly the most horrifying moment of my life and it scarred me for a very long time. This is the story of what happens when eighteen year old boys drink far far far too much tequila. It's the story of the Poo Man.

One morning, I awoke to a terrible smell. One of those gut wrenching, nose shrivelling smells that makes you dry heave in revulsion. It smelt like poo...but I was sure I was mistaken. After all, why would our usually semi-tidy flat smell like poo? I had to be mistaken...but as I emerged from my room the smell only got stronger.

I decided to investigate the most likely causes - the kitchen and the bathroom. However, despite a pile of dirty dishes and some suspicious looking noodles, the kitchen was clearly not the cause of the smell. The bathroom also seemed fine - no messes or accidents. I was puzzled because the smell was really, really strong.

 

Upon leaving the bathroom I came across my flatmate Nicole, who was creeping around the flat looking scared - she too was seeking the cause of the smell. It was horrible. Terrible. Traumatic. We stood for a while in the lounge room, puzzling on what the smell could be and why it was in our flat...and that was when it happened.

The door down the end of the hallway creaked open ominously and a stumbling figure emerged on a wave of stench. There was something about the figure that looked off...he was covered in something brown...something green...something that looked and smelt like poo.

As he got closer we realised that yes, indeed, the figure was covered - absolutely covered - in human faeces. At first Nicole and I were frozen in horror...but as he got closer and closer we reacted in the way that ANYONE would when something covered in human poo is put near them...we ran screaming from the building. Hmmm, perhaps that isn't a strong enough description. We erupted in hysteria and fled the house screaming - running as fast as we possibly could.

When we returned later that day the house was clean again. The Poo Man (who was actually a friend of a flatmate who has stayed the night) had been made to clean up the mess he had made. The story also emerged about what had happened that night: He and my housemate had had a Tequila drinking competition and had become drunk. Very, very drunk. So drunk that the friend of the housemate had woken up during the night confused and disorientated.

He confused a toilet with a padded computer chair in his friends room and did...well...his business there. He then smeared it EVERYWHERE - on the chair, table, computer, himself, his friend, the bed, the floor...etc etc etc. It was a nightmare for himself and for my housemate.

So...beware Tequila my friends. It may seem like a good idea when you start drinking it, but spare a thought for the Poo Man and the dark side of Tequila!!!